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  • Being a chillona.

    I LOVE crying/llorando. It's literally the one thing that I know will make me feel better afterward. Without a doubt, every time I have cried, I always feel better. The other thing that happens after a good cry is: I get exhausted, get a headache, and need a nap/I get tired and get really hungry. There is definitely something leading up to a good cry, that I may be eating less inadvertently. Crying is a whole physical response. I am wiped. I try not to hold things in, or even get overwhelmed so much that the thing I wasn't thinking about. In doing this, I push down all the feelings, and now they need to burst out of you. One part about crying that I don't like is that it can happen ANYWHERE. Whether it's a tone that sounds mean to me, or that makes me think something illogical, I can pretty much be made to cry at any time. I may have tried to work out, not dwell on something, drink my agua, avoid caffeine, but it can all just build up regardless. Because of this, I've cried at: work, the New York Subway, at the corner of the Sprinkles Cupcakes in New York, other random spots in the city, the L.A. Metro rail, walking around L.A., picking up my açaí bowl, at events where I should have been happy (Arcade Fire concert), in-person therapy/virtual therapy. It's all fair game to my emotions and anxiety. The main difference between New York and L.A. public crying is that in New York, people will for the most part leave you alone. People in L.A. may come up to you and ask you what's wrong, and I don't really want them to. But I'm here to say that it's ok to cry, and for others to just let you cry. It's the best thing to do when you haven't been able to release all of your built-up feelings. Check these two links belwo to get a better understanding of all the benefits of crying. You can literally cry the stress out of you, so don't hold back and be a 'chillona, y que?!' - Crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system and restores the body to a state of balance. Crying is good for you. Other: Benefits of crying.

  • Self Care Cada Día

    Coffee And Treats Photo Credit (NOt AVAILABLE) Self-care should not be an emergency, rather practiced every day. Self Care Cada Día should be the motto. I am definitely one at fault to start practicing it self-care when I'm starting to burn out. But that's the problem, it's already a little too late. I used to hold back on wanting to 'treat myself' to an ice coffee, a yummy pastry, a milkshake, or even a random thing from Target, but now; I don't as much. It can feel like a waste of money since some days it does for me. I recently began trying to pick one day out of the week when: I can order lunch in, get an iced coffee as I reach my destination and walk back to my apartment, or walk through the 'mini' Target either window shopping or buying something small. I am already broke, but like my madre told my sister once, and now she tells me all the time, 'cómprate algo delicioso'. But the original thing that my mom loosely said was, 'you are working, and deserve/can afford to buy yourself a coffee, so go for it'. I will note, that this self-denial of 'treating yourself ’ is a result of Latino household dynamics, socio-economic status, 1st generation issues, and more, but will tackle those at a later time. There is so much guilt in these small things. I know that when I got a job that paid me more than I had ever made before, I faced this every time I'd walk to Starbucks and get a drink with my co-workers. Needing to pay my rent monthly, while trying to save and invest, has made it so that it overshadowed my need to take care of myself. As a result, I clearly had a few breakdowns, the kind of sobbing non-stop kind and eventually the one that led me to consider taking medication. Medication doesn't get rid of whatever mental health issue you have but helps to help you cope. I still get overwhelming anxiety to fill moments/hours. I still overthink and tire myself out. I still have to limit my caffeine intake depending on the day. And I still try to overdo things with a perfectionist mindset, but now it's a less severe need to have to do them, or else my anxiety will be triggered. I now try to practice self-care daily and am more mindful. Even if I get three ice coffees a week, get that milkshake one of those evenings, order lunch; I appreciate being able to do that and make it as a form of self-care. If I didn't do those things on top of exercising, trying to eat well, and sleeping enough, I still will have anxiety. The point is, try to take care of yourself at least once a day or once a week. Do this to avoid burnout or any kind of meltdown that impacts you. Activate that serotonin with a walk or vitamin D or whatever floats your boat.

  • That ‘type’ of anxiety.

    If you are reading this, you probably got sent here from my Instagram post in relation to this blog, where I said I would elaborate. So firstly, thank you for being here and supporting me. It’s probably best that I start this blog by explaining what I call ‘the madness’ that goes on in my head, or at least it did a lot more in the past. As early as 8 year’s old, I already knew then and put the pressure on myself, that I was going to go to college! WTF? what 8 year knows that, well maybe the non-BIPOC one’s but I didn’t know any brown ones that did. It wasn’t until recently when I had to explain to someone, what was happening in my head, how chaotic it really was. For reasons, I don’t feel like sharing, I was having some sort of anxiety induced episode. In this what I’ll call an episode, I could NOT STOP THINKING. Not just overthinking, this would begin the moment I would wake up, day-after-day, and it developed in me a constant state of worry. I have never been able to just let things go. You can tell me, ‘oh, forget about it’, and nope! I cannot. I feel the need to know and am determine to find an answer. This is the list, but not limited to, of how this goes: I will continue to wonder if I really hurt someone’s feelings. I’ll wonder if they are mad at me. I’ll wonder if that one tone that was off was a sign, of something bad. I’ll wonder if they now hate me. I’ll wonder if they don’t want to be around me anymore; this list is endless! Over the years, I have developed techniques, on my own and with the help of therapists and group therapy. I know these techniques do not take the anxiety away, but they definitely help with coping and not spiraling out of control in my head. People would always think, and probably still do, that I am always ready and for the most part, I am usually. I have thought of a plan B, and then a plan C, and so on. But all of this took a toll on me in the past, and now knowing better, I will probably still have a plan B and maybe a C, but after that, I am better about just saying, ‘Fuck it’ and going with the flow. When I do spiral out of control, this overthinking is non-stop! it is the worst! I do not wish it on anyone. The overthinking will make me feel depressed, fatigued, I will have no interest in going out, etc. I realized that what I am trying to do, while I am overthinking, is basically forecast the future, even if I know its impossible. I am planning for every possible outcome, of how can I stop something from happening, trying to figure out every detail and using all the knowledge that I have about the situation to stay aware and get it right. And this is why, the ‘Always Tired’ print came about. For when I am probably still anxious, but on a more, what I consider a ‘normal day’, I will still wake up early. I really can’t sleep in, or ever have, hence when I want to sleep more, I know that something is wrong. I wake up early normally, if I am anxious/stressed, I will wake up extra early and will not be able to go back to sleep. Throughout a normal day, I don’t necessarily go into super detail of planning everything out, but I use my calendaring on my phone to help manage my schedule for the day, so that everything I know I have to do, is written down, and I don’t have to review it constantly. If I have any ‘negative’ thoughts that could be, ‘oh, if this person isn’t answering the phone, then there must be something wrong’, I have known myself to make up scenarios and probably most people that have anxiety will do this, that all lead to this person’s death, and then the anxiety attack has begun. Now, I don’t do this every day, but when it does try to take a hold of me, I can, most of the time, manage to tell myself to 1. Either to write down the thought and analyze it, or 2. I ask myself to question myself of the truthfulness/reality of this thought. I can definitely say that pretty much a lot of my love one’s have been in the, ‘they died’ after not answering a phone call, or driving home at night, etc. category. They mostly don’t know this, but I’ve had my fair share of irrational scares with most of my loved ones. My brain won’t rest until I know they are safe. Hope this explanation about how my mental health issue works, and I hope you can gain something out of my experience. Abrazos (socially distanced one’s of course), Educated Chola

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