If you are reading this, you probably got sent here from my Instagram post in relation to this blog, where I said I would elaborate. So firstly, thank you for being here and supporting me.
It’s probably best that I start this blog by explaining what I call ‘the madness’ that goes on in my head, or at least it did a lot more in the past. As early as 8 year’s old, I already knew then and put the pressure on myself, that I was going to go to college! WTF? what 8 year knows that, well maybe the non-BIPOC one’s but I didn’t know any brown ones that did. It wasn’t until recently when I had to explain to someone, what was happening in my head, how chaotic it really was.
For reasons, I don’t feel like sharing, I was having some sort of anxiety induced episode. In this what I’ll call an episode, I could NOT STOP THINKING. Not just overthinking, this would begin the moment I would wake up, day-after-day, and it developed in me a constant state of worry.
I have never been able to just let things go. You can tell me, ‘oh, forget about it’, and nope! I cannot. I feel the need to know and am determine to find an answer. This is the list, but not limited to, of how this goes:
I will continue to wonder if I really hurt someone’s feelings.
I’ll wonder if they are mad at me.
I’ll wonder if that one tone that was off was a sign, of something bad.
I’ll wonder if they now hate me.
I’ll wonder if they don’t want to be around me anymore; this list is endless!
Over the years, I have developed techniques, on my own and with the help of therapists and group therapy. I know these techniques do not take the anxiety away, but they definitely help with coping and not spiraling out of control in my head.
People would always think, and probably still do, that I am always ready and for the most part, I am usually. I have thought of a plan B, and then a plan C, and so on. But all of this took a toll on me in the past, and now knowing better, I will probably still have a plan B and maybe a C, but after that, I am better about just saying, ‘Fuck it’ and going with the flow.
When I do spiral out of control, this overthinking is non-stop! it is the worst! I do not wish it on anyone. The overthinking will make me feel depressed, fatigued, I will have no interest in going out, etc. I realized that what I am trying to do, while I am overthinking, is basically forecast the future, even if I know its impossible. I am planning for every possible outcome, of how can I stop something from happening, trying to figure out every detail and using all the knowledge that I have about the situation to stay aware and get it right. And this is why, the ‘Always Tired’ print came about.
For when I am probably still anxious, but on a more, what I consider a ‘normal day’, I will still wake up early. I really can’t sleep in, or ever have, hence when I want to sleep more, I know that something is wrong.
I wake up early normally, if I am anxious/stressed, I will wake up extra early and will not be able to go back to sleep. Throughout a normal day, I don’t necessarily go into super detail of planning everything out, but I use my calendaring on my phone to help manage my schedule for the day, so that everything I know I have to do, is written down, and I don’t have to review it constantly.
If I have any ‘negative’ thoughts that could be, ‘oh, if this person isn’t answering the phone, then there must be something wrong’, I have known myself to make up scenarios and probably most people that have anxiety will do this, that all lead to this person’s death, and then the anxiety attack has begun.
Now, I don’t do this every day, but when it does try to take a hold of me, I can, most of the time, manage to tell myself to 1. Either to write down the thought and analyze it, or 2. I ask myself to question myself of the truthfulness/reality of this thought.
I can definitely say that pretty much a lot of my love one’s have been in the, ‘they died’ after not answering a phone call, or driving home at night, etc. category. They mostly don’t know this, but I’ve had my fair share of irrational scares with most of my loved ones. My brain won’t rest until I know they are safe.
Hope this explanation about how my mental health issue works, and I hope you can gain something out of my experience.
Abrazos (socially distanced one’s of course),
Educated Chola
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